6:00 Waking Up: The gift of a new day. I catch a whiff of
carbon monoxide and crack a window, then lay back and bask in the sleepy sounds
of a family morning. Snkknkknkk: the baby's snoring; a soft pillow
emplaced with care, and the rasp mellows to a comforting trill.
Tap-tap-tap: brother Clark's in the corner down-loading Internet porn.
Rap-rap-rap: Mum's ready to be let out of her iron lung. Morning, wrapped
in promise: my favorite part of the day.
6:01 Ricki Lake: Ricki
reunites mothers and daughters separated twenty years ago for this purpose.
7:00 Jenny Jones: Jenny reunites mothers and daughters separated before
the show for fighting in the lobby.
8:00 Maury Povich: Maury attempts
to surgically reunite Siamese twins separated at birth.
9:00 Nap: I
have long boasted a more generous bosom than my sister. And I spent much of last
week wearily iterating, "No, Nan! No! I will not - will not! - nurse the
new kitten!" And I wake up from my nap to find myself accidentally doing exactly
10:00 Carnie: Author Salman Rushdie stoically submits to a sexy
make-over but it fools nobody and he is attacked by Islamic
At this point
I direct the dish to pick up satellite feeds from Guam so that I might watch the
above-mentioned programs again and in this way relive the morning's bittersweet
repast of experiences (including nap, kitten, etc.). Nan wagers me a quarter
that Rushdie won't make the same mistake a second time; I win the coin with
ease. I have very much the superior mind in my household. At 4pm I with
surgical skill target the dish upon Burma State Television, where can be viewed
a plethora of educational programs first aired stateside four months ago.
4:00 Phil Donahue: Right there on stage Phil marries a man to prove some
sort of point about gay marriage and then is arrested and no doubt is repeatedly
sodomized whilst in jail. What was your point again, Phil?
Jessie: Today's guests: a bevy of plump phone-sex operators who receive from
the audience a spirited outpouring of vilification, hate and bile in language so
vivid, heated and impassioned that I climaxed robustly.
5:42 The Bond
Between Mother and Child: The old issue of bed-sores comes once again to the
fore when Mum hurts her back turning me.
6:00 Oprah: Mitchell Rupe,
on sabbatical from his stint on Death Row, drops by to share his diet tips; he
and Oprah polish off an entire roast pig as the audience watches in
Time to Teach: Once again Clark sees fit to challenge me on a matter of
language usage: it seems he is offended by my "plumber's butt." And I explain to
him that one cannot have plumber's butt if one does not wear pants, as I do not.
I direct him to bend over and take an unpleasant gander at his own backside in
order to understand true, classic plumber's butt. Of course he gives it a go and
wrenches his back again. And as he suffers I muse: so ... I am right again: and
that is good. It is good that I prevail because I am a role model not only to my
family but to the legions of teens who look to my column for guidance each week.
Later that night, I close the vent on Clark's hyperbaric chamber.
Nova: A discussion of some of the problems encountered in translating
Finnegans Wake into ancient Abyssinian hieroglyphs. Interesting.
Donahue: Yoga expert Shri Aburama teaches the muscle control and breathing
techniques used in drinking through the penis -- fluids pass directly to the
bladder, apparently reducing wear-and-tear on the kidneys -- but when Phil tries
it, the audience gets drenched.
8:00 Maury Povich: Men's Health. Guest
Dr. Hiram Flesch examines a mysterious polyp in Maury's lower intestine,
comparing its profile amusingly to that of Maury's wife Connie Chung. A
mortified Maury is in no position to pick a fight over the matter and grimly
8:47 Contemplating Family: Gramp flushes the turtle down
the toilet. And I find myself thinking it'd be a clever thing indeed if I could
somehow convince him that his bowel movements are enormous turtles. Would help
with general clean-up. "Gramp, you just put a turtle in that hat. Turtles go in
the toilet." But no: it would not work. I find that men of his generation are
not educable as regards the simple things.
I grow weary of this. The monotony. Hour after hour. I rifle
through my video-cassette library and select a handful of favorites.
9:00 Ricki Lake: Celebrity lawyer John Henry Browne guides audience
volunteers through some of his favorite obscene phone call routines -- including
an hilarious call to TWA -- then guides them through the process of calling his
office to make appointments as they are taken away to what I hope will be severe
10:00 Ricki Lake: Shiite holy women discuss the
difficulties of raising the bastard children born to them as a direct result of
the sexy make-overs they received on Jenny Jones.
10:55 Privacy Time:
The family dutifully steps outside the trailer so I can be alone with my
thoughts and masturbate. I finish early, so I take the opportunity to reflect
upon the day and rifle through the cupboards for errant Smokies, Snausages, what
have you. Notion: certain stores sell burrowing weasels especially trained to
retrieve small dead pets from cramped spaces. I'm guessing the problem in
training weasels to retrieve lost crumbs and orts from the depths of one's folds
of flesh would be that the weasels would eat them, whereas I would of course
want these treats for myself. The family returns in time for more Ricki.
11:00 Ricki Lake: Although it is rare, you can in fact get E. Coli from
unprotected sex, as C. Everett Koop and heifer Bluebell demonstrate.
Ricki Lake: Erstwhile super-model Cheryl Tiegs simply refused to live
with tired, blood-shot eyes anymore and had them replaced with exquisite,
priceless Fabergé wren's eggs. She stumbles about the stage, falls
headlong, and -- oops! -- the yolk's on you, Cheryl. Good fun.
Lake: Surprise guest O.J. Simpson drops by to plug his new album, and
apparently does not realize he is wearing the same blood-soaked trousers he wore
when he murdered Nicole and that fellow. An awkward moment.
Dilemma: Nature begins to call in a most emphatic tone just as Ricki
strongly condemns terrorist Abu Mustafa for describing in detail how to concoct
deadly phosgene gas using household chemicals listed on-screen. I scribble
furiously, thinking: damn. Improvise, improvise. I boldly relieve Gramp
of his adult diaper and apply it just in time; I soon find myself pondering
incisively. Roomy things, these, unlike pants; furthermore, new
Depend® Extras draw moisture away from the skin to the exterior of
the garment, for "Extra" comfort. Question: did they in any way foresee the
unpleasant consequences for those who clean up after me?
Lake: Guest Christopher Reeve talks about some of the problems that come
with being a quadriplegic. With musical interludes by the fabulous Chippendale