his new "miracle laxative." Yawn. So, that night, after he nodded off, I injected an entire syringe of this miraculous Olestra into his IV tube.


6:00 Waking Up: The gift of a new day. I catch a whiff of carbon monoxide and crack a window, then lay back and bask in the sleepy sounds of a family morning. Snkknkknkk: the baby's snoring; a soft pillow emplaced with care, and the rasp mellows to a comforting trill. Tap-tap-tap: brother Clark's in the corner down-loading Internet porn. Rap-rap-rap: Mum's ready to be let out of her iron lung. Morning, wrapped in promise: my favorite part of the day.

6:01 Ricki Lake: Ricki reunites mothers and daughters separated twenty years ago for this purpose.

7:00 Jenny Jones: Jenny reunites mothers and daughters separated before the show for fighting in the lobby.

8:00 Maury Povich: Maury attempts to surgically reunite Siamese twins separated at birth.

9:00 Nap: I have long boasted a more generous bosom than my sister. And I spent much of last week wearily iterating, "No, Nan! No! I will not - will not! - nurse the new kitten!" And I wake up from my nap to find myself accidentally doing exactly that.

10:00 Carnie: Author Salman Rushdie stoically submits to a sexy make-over but it fools nobody and he is attacked by Islamic fundamentalists.
At this point I direct the dish to pick up satellite feeds from Guam so that I might watch the above-mentioned programs again and in this way relive the morning's bittersweet repast of experiences (including nap, kitten, etc.). Nan wagers me a quarter that Rushdie won't make the same mistake a second time; I win the coin with ease. I have very much the superior mind in my household. At 4pm I with surgical skill target the dish upon Burma State Television, where can be viewed a plethora of educational programs first aired stateside four months ago.

4:00 Phil Donahue: Right there on stage Phil marries a man to prove some sort of point about gay marriage and then is arrested and no doubt is repeatedly sodomized whilst in jail. What was your point again, Phil?

5:00 Sally Jessie: Today's guests: a bevy of plump phone-sex operators who receive from the audience a spirited outpouring of vilification, hate and bile in language so vivid, heated and impassioned that I climaxed robustly.

5:42 The Bond Between Mother and Child: The old issue of bed-sores comes once again to the fore when Mum hurts her back turning me.

6:00 Oprah: Mitchell Rupe, on sabbatical from his stint on Death Row, drops by to share his diet tips; he and Oprah polish off an entire roast pig as the audience watches in silence.

6:20 A Time to Teach: Once again Clark sees fit to challenge me on a matter of language usage: it seems he is offended by my "plumber's butt." And I explain to him that one cannot have plumber's butt if one does not wear pants, as I do not. I direct him to bend over and take an unpleasant gander at his own backside in order to understand true, classic plumber's butt. Of course he gives it a go and wrenches his back again. And as he suffers I muse: so ... I am right again: and that is good. It is good that I prevail because I am a role model not only to my family but to the legions of teens who look to my column for guidance each week. Later that night, I close the vent on Clark's hyperbaric chamber.

7:00 Nova: A discussion of some of the problems encountered in translating Finnegans Wake into ancient Abyssinian hieroglyphs. Interesting.

7:01 Phil Donahue: Yoga expert Shri Aburama teaches the muscle control and breathing techniques used in drinking through the penis -- fluids pass directly to the bladder, apparently reducing wear-and-tear on the kidneys -- but when Phil tries it, the audience gets drenched.

8:00 Maury Povich: Men's Health. Guest Dr. Hiram Flesch examines a mysterious polyp in Maury's lower intestine, comparing its profile amusingly to that of Maury's wife Connie Chung. A mortified Maury is in no position to pick a fight over the matter and grimly laughs along.

8:47 Contemplating Family: Gramp flushes the turtle down the toilet. And I find myself thinking it'd be a clever thing indeed if I could somehow convince him that his bowel movements are enormous turtles. Would help with general clean-up. "Gramp, you just put a turtle in that hat. Turtles go in the toilet." But no: it would not work. I find that men of his generation are not educable as regards the simple things.
I grow weary of this. The monotony. Hour after hour. I rifle through my video-cassette library and select a handful of favorites.

9:00 Ricki Lake: Celebrity lawyer John Henry Browne guides audience volunteers through some of his favorite obscene phone call routines -- including an hilarious call to TWA -- then guides them through the process of calling his office to make appointments as they are taken away to what I hope will be severe punishment.

10:00 Ricki Lake: Shiite holy women discuss the difficulties of raising the bastard children born to them as a direct result of the sexy make-overs they received on Jenny Jones.

10:55 Privacy Time: The family dutifully steps outside the trailer so I can be alone with my thoughts and masturbate. I finish early, so I take the opportunity to reflect upon the day and rifle through the cupboards for errant Smokies, Snausages, what have you. Notion: certain stores sell burrowing weasels especially trained to retrieve small dead pets from cramped spaces. I'm guessing the problem in training weasels to retrieve lost crumbs and orts from the depths of one's folds of flesh would be that the weasels would eat them, whereas I would of course want these treats for myself. The family returns in time for more Ricki.

11:00 Ricki Lake: Although it is rare, you can in fact get E. Coli from unprotected sex, as C. Everett Koop and heifer Bluebell demonstrate.

12:00 Ricki Lake: Erstwhile super-model Cheryl Tiegs simply refused to live with tired, blood-shot eyes anymore and had them replaced with exquisite, priceless Fabergé wren's eggs. She stumbles about the stage, falls headlong, and -- oops! -- the yolk's on you, Cheryl. Good fun.

1:00 Ricki Lake: Surprise guest O.J. Simpson drops by to plug his new album, and apparently does not realize he is wearing the same blood-soaked trousers he wore when he murdered Nicole and that fellow. An awkward moment.

1:14 Dilemma: Nature begins to call in a most emphatic tone just as Ricki strongly condemns terrorist Abu Mustafa for describing in detail how to concoct deadly phosgene gas using household chemicals listed on-screen. I scribble furiously, thinking: damn. Improvise, improvise. I boldly relieve Gramp of his adult diaper and apply it just in time; I soon find myself pondering incisively. Roomy things, these, unlike pants; furthermore, new Depend® Extras draw moisture away from the skin to the exterior of the garment, for "Extra" comfort. Question: did they in any way foresee the unpleasant consequences for those who clean up after me?

2:00 Ricki Lake: Guest Christopher Reeve talks about some of the problems that come with being a quadriplegic. With musical interludes by the fabulous Chippendale Dancers.

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