| > Amusingly, one of the last uses to which the Jackson penis was put was a markedly heterosexual one: breeding. And when the progeny currently known as Prince came along, so too did a typically tasteless California-style stunt: Stockton radio station KLPW offered a thousand dollars to the first listener who could deliver the Jackson child intact to their broadcast center. And when the adorable, doe-eyed infant arrived by courier the tabloids had a field day, and talk-shows lined up for the requisite tell-all interviews. But after two weeks the fun was spoiled when a casual observer pointed out what now seems obvious: this was not the Jackson child at all but was in fact a rare Hairless Pink Tree Shrew. And then the Feds intervened when Jackson began to express an interest in the poor creature. 
> Who's that blonde floozy wandering the White House halls smoking copious reefer?
Interesting story there. You'll recall from last month that, attempting to resuscitate her flagging
career, 60's sensation Charo filed a million-dollar sexual harassment suit against the President,
claiming that, since he would have harassed her had he ever had access to her, she was traumatized
by the idea every time it came to mind. White
House Press Secretary Mike McCurry pooh-poohed the suit at a press conference which, unfortunately,
ended up on the cutting-room floor. "It's frivolous. The President would never have done such a
thing." The press corps was silent for a time. Sam
Donaldson spoke up: "In what ... in what way would the President have never done such a
thing? I don't understand." ABC's Brit Hume: "Is
the President ill?" McCurry: "The President is far
too busy saving childrens' lives to, you know ...." "Squeeze Charo's breast?" asked Hume quizzically. "C'mon, Mike." NBC's Willard Scott: "Has he been completely emasculated
by that woman he married?" But the President
himself cannily saw in the matter not a scandal but an opportunity, in which a rare blossom of
credibility could be gotten to bloom for an hour or so. He boldly acknowledged the basic veracity of
the suit ("Mistakes would have been made"). And poor Charo received her compensation in full.
Punch-line: Clinton paid her in twelve Lincoln-bedroom overnights (street value: a cool
mill). Charo is quick to point out that the President has not sexually harassed her yet
successfully.Ring in the old, wring out the Newt. Turns out our unseasonably dry and warm January weather was caused by the Greenhouse Effect, a tedious global weather apocalypse (caused by something called CFC's, or chlor-floral-carbines, a gas used in spray products) that creates floods in the tropics, earthquakes in Japan, and - as was pointed out to Republican State Reps. Dale Foreman and Tom Campbell - provides a real boon to the state tourism industry. That explains why the two hayseed legislators were out on the Capitol dome last week frantically spraying a common household anti-fungal spray into the air. And soon they were bathed in the viscous, sickly-sweet cleansing agent. When - after a few entertaining hours - someone mercifully pointed out that Massengill for Teens no longer contains CFC's, they purchased a one-ton crate of powdered CFC (Costco, $44.95) and blew it up on the Capitol lawn. Give a
hoot, don't poll Newt. Liberals have a dire need to have their beliefs re-explained to
them right now, and guess who's cashing in? That's right: fat publicity cow Rush Limbaugh has
a brand new show, Limbaugh for Liberals, that runs every day from noon to 3 on KUOW, right after his
morning show. I gave his premiere broadcast last week a listen: same old Rush, except he bashed Jack
Kemp, guns, and economics, and gave a long, instructive oration on the seemingly non-existent
benefits of condom-distribution. He had no callers, because liberals are too busy saving lives to
listen to the radio. But that'll change. Even though he still speaks only gibberish, I found Rush to
be wise, funny and no longer fat in his new liberal time-slot.
This week's Newt Gingrich puns were provided by readers Cris and Louise Preciso of Kent. Have you a selection of Newt Gingrich puns? A free issue of The Whitely goes to the punster whose handiwork is selected.
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