The Whimper is a satirical publication.The contents of this publication are Copyright © 1994 and 1997 by George Clark Services and may be reprinted in part or in full if the stolen material is properly accredited.
Advertisements in The Whimper are provided free of charge as a service to the community. These advertisements are without exception false, ridiculous and injurious to a party or parties selected by Mr. Clark himself. Businesses contacting The Whimper in order to take advantage of our generous free-advertisement offer have quite a treat in store. Questions? Call 1-888-284-9895. Incidentally, there are two advertisements in this publication that are in every way not ridiculous: the Grunge Jingles advertisement on page 3, and the George Clark T-shirt advertisement directly beneath it. We urge you to examine these ads and consider their unusual, completely authentic offers.
Our subscription rate is $42 per year. You will receive 51 copies - one per week with the exception of the year-end holiday period - of this issue of The Whimper.
You are invited to send your unsolicited manuscripts to The New Yorker -- 1020 E. Broadway, NYC 90019 -- which has a vigorous, earth-friendly waste-paper management system in place. Or send them along to us! We will distribute them to the homeless denizens of Pioneer Square -- who are starved for incisive current-event essays -- after of course first having corrected errors of grammar and usage and having sectioned them into 4-inch squares. Solicited manuscripts you can shove up your ass.
SASE's should be sent to the above address. Stamps should be U.S.-issue and uncancelled. Do not use saliva when affixing stamps. Have you a fax for Mr. Clark? Mr. Clark's fax machine cannot be accessed by the public. Those wishing to e-mail him a fax using the above-noted address are asked to first convert it into common ASCII characters, to then add to it an abundance of mood-suggesting "smileys," and lastly you are asked to remove the just-mentioned ASCII characters. Your fax, magically transformed into an artefact of wonder and whimsy, is now ready to be enjoyed by Mr. Clark and his family.
Publisher and Editor: George Clark
Art Director: Art Welpist
Photoposers: The Osgood Brothers: Tom, Peter and Steven
Staff: Mr. Clark will not let us print our names
Volunteers: We do not take note of the names of our volunteers
Manning the Snack Table: Mr. Clark's talentless sons Chad and Jonah
Filler: See article by-lines
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